When you've been through months of trying to be pregnant unsuccessfully, there are so many what if questions you ask everyday to yourself. I ask if I am ovulating, although my regular periods, and the few 21 day progesterone tests I have done in the past have all indicated that I have. I blame my low CM, and turn to pre-seed. I blame my thin endometrium, although the ultrasounds I had done in the past showed they were fine, and I force myself to gag in pineapple that I hate.

So what did I do this month? I found a fertility centre nearby which offered bulk billing for ovulation tracking. I sais "Yay, this way I can confirm I ovulated!". I got the referral from my GP (who kept on repeating he hadn't heard of this local fertility clinic in his 25 years of his medical profession and won't recommend it, but failed to understand that it did not matter as I am not starting IVF with them, its just blood tests that he could have ordered himself if he was more efficient). I booked an appointment for 23rd September, which would be my CD11, and then waited as patiently as I could for that Monday. Last cycle, I had used a cheapish OPK that I had bought at my local chemist, and hated that it seemed to show positive from as early as CD9, and continued doing so until around CD18, so totally confusing me. This cycle, in addition to the blood works, I decided I would start OPK, but a bit later in the cycle, as I was pretty sure my OD would be around midcycle. 

So yesterday morning, I got out an OPK that I bought from the internet, and peed on it. Hmm, positive. This OPK from the web is as bad as the one over the counter I used last month, I thought. I got ready and went to the fertility clinic. Got another bruise on my already bruised left arm, and came back with a promise from the lady there to call me after lunch. The call was supposed to tell me when I had to go back to them to do another test to confirm ovulation, so that they could tell us when to do the deed. 

Around 2pm, the lady called and told me that my LH level and Estrogen (?) level was lovely, and that we should BD that night and the next night, and before I could understand what was going on, and ask any further questions, I found myself saying OK, thanks, and hung up. What the flipping hell? At CD11 I was already ovulating? If that had always been the case, then the timing we had used in the past cycles were too late! Except the last two cycles of course because I was on clomid, and was told to try every day from CD11 by my Gynecologist.  So I took my phone app out to check my last few cycles, and luckily, we seemed to have BD's around CD11 since last April. So it is not wrong timing that caused us to end up not pregnant in the last half year. Its something else.  Anyway, to triple confirm, I took out the excess First Response OPKs and the cheapie OPKs from previous cycles and peed on them. Two dark lines in both! Hmm, maybe its just the clomid effect that lingered on. 

So I told my husband what needed to be done for the next two nights (and he's always happy to oblige :)).

Unfortunately, unless I can do series of checks throughout the cycle for lots of different factors (which I won't), I don't think I will be any closer to figuring out what is happening. But this morning, the OPKs are still showing two dark lines. Here's to hoping they get lighter from tomorrow. But god forbid, it doesn't, I can already guess what my question to Dr. Google is going to be.

(I've decided to move my blog from wordpress to blogspot, so moved my very first blog from a few days ago here below:)

True That. Although, everyday now feels like the same friggin journey! Just the phase I am in I guess.

Well, let me write a bit about myself first. I ‘am’ an IT professional in my mid thirties. 6 month before today, I had been working in a nice small company for the past three years. But hell got loose when I started as a Project Manager for a crazy international project. I was working into wee hours in the morning, working into the weekend, and travelling overseas half of the time. To be honest, the country was not that bad, was actually a very popular tourist destination, but I didn’t have time to look around.

Result, my conversation with my husband started become non-existent. We didn’t talk, we just argued about my work hours. Don’t get me wrong, I have the best husband one could get. He has supported me every step of my life, and was my pillar of strength when I struggled coming in terms with my infertility in the past year or two. But I guess he drew the line when I started stressing everyone out with whatever came out of my sleep deprived mind. When two of us finally exchanged less than a few words in a whole week, I knew I had to do something. 

I talked to my boss. Stopped caring so much. Refused to work after certain hours. But then, the project suffered, and I found myself slipping back to old habits again. I was and am a control freak, but getting clients from hell, and a team who depended on me from A to Z didn’t help. So one day, I said enough is enough, my husband and my sanity is more important than this, and I QUIT. Yes, without any other job lined up!

Fast forward 6 months, everyday now is the same struggle coming in terms of another failed job application. Each month is a constant struggle coming in terms with the fact that I won’t be a mom this month either. I find so many people like me in the various forums, but when the news hits, I can’t help but put the ‘why me’ question out into the void. Each time, I slip back my “I’m positive today” face, but each day, it fits less and less on the real me.

No, I’m not depressed. I knew the path I chose to take wasn't an easy one. I had done the math: X months I can support without a paycheck. I knew those same months would be fixated on baby making forums at least 20 times more than before, playing havoc there. But knowing is one thing, actually doing it is different.

I haven’t given hope though. I have my husband right beside me, allowing me to pout, cry, act crazy whenever I want.  And today, I finally booked an appointment with a fertility specialist at a clinic we’ve decided on. IVF/ICSI/IUI, bring it on!