Dreams are just dreams

Every 28 day or so, I debate wether or not to POAS. A day or so after that, I give in every month. While I wait for the lines, I imagine myself telling my DH that it is positive. I imagine his reaction. I imagine my pride and relief. Yes, pride. In proving that, no, I am not infertile. Every month, the imagination is cut short when there is just one line. That's it. Just how my life is. With or without medical intervention. With or without mental strength throughout the month earlier.

I wonder why, and I get no answer. I wish it was black and white instead of unexplained. But no, I get all the signs hinting the cycle might break this month, but they finally disappear into the oblivion, while I am left once more to try smile through it all, and march on to next month of the same thing.

Ok, you get it. I am frustrated. I want out. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as quitting my current job and looking for another. And even that, it seems, isn't that easy in this economy. Being unemployed for 10 months now after walking out of my job, I should know. I feel drained. I feel uninspired. I feel dull. I feel like not feeling anymore. It just sucks.