With us no more

Thanks everyone again for your thoughts and kind prayers over the last few weeks. Unfortunately its not good news. We had a scan today, and there was no heartbeat. There was almost no growth from last week. So officially, our baby gave up the fight at a growth equivalent to 5w5d. I know the poor soul was struggling from the very beginning...all the low HCGs, fading pee sticks, weak and disappearing symptoms...I'm glad that God was with us and gave our little sprout the energy to fight for so long. I am so happy that I was able to see its heartbeat last week, although it was bittersweet, if you know what I mean. Rest in peace, my little angel baby, you will be much loved by us, and will never be forgotten.

I'm not sure where to from here for us for now. We'll just take it slow. The fact that we have been pregnant this first time has given us some flicker of hope. We'll see...

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Calling in the power of prayers

The dating scan did not go well today. Its not all lost, but its not looking that good either.

I am 7 weeks 5 days according to my calendar. The scan showed a development of 6 weeks or so (I didn't get the exact number of days). The heartbeat is very low at less than 80 bpm. Didn't meet my FS, but the nurses at the clinic have sent me for another ultrasound next week, to check the growth so that they can compare. At this stage, they aren't saying all hope is lost, but they didn't want to give me any hope either, and even talked to me about my options should this turn into a miscarriage....the word I NEVER thought I'd be associated with...

I was kind of hoping for the best, but was prepared for the worst for today, as I had absolutely no signs of pregnancy left since late last week (as in, slight boob pain, slight tiredness, few weird dreams, slightly more frequent trips to the loo, that were worrying me as as being too little, completely vanished!). But I thought it would be either no heartbeat, or it would be all good. I was never prepared to be in this limbo. This baby is keeping me on tenterhooks since the very start... I'm OK with that, as long as the little bub is OK. Oh, please be OK!

I'm asking you all to please, please, please pray for a miracle for this miracle baby this week, beautiful ladies!!

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Patience

I have been following the infertility journeys of quite a few amazing ladies in the past year or so, through their blogs, or through a forum that I participate in or through knowing them personally. What is amazing is that, among the 9 of us who had IVF in the last 2.5 months, 7 of us are pregnant! Some had a successful first cycle, while some have gone through quite a lot before they finally got the amazing news, and I have followed their heartache for what felt like ages. But I am so happy with this outcome for each and every one of us. There must be something in the air. Or there must really be strength in prayers. But finally the patience and hope that we refused to give up have finally brought us to the place we all had been dreaming for so long! I know the journey ahead for us is long. But I am excited about sharing the journey with so many inspiring ladies...

Personally, the wait for our first ultrasound is still killing me. Lack of pregnancy symptoms do not help either. I still have sore boobs, but they are slowly disappearing since I stopped crinone last week. I have been taking a nap during the day or early evenings, but its not something that I couldn't do without.

But in the positive side, I am loving the chats I have started having with the baby before going to sleep, or during  the day. We went for an impromptu visit to a friend 3.5 hours drive away on Friday evening, because we heard it was snowing there. We saw the snow fall on our way, and since it was the first snow fall experience for my husband, my 9-year old nephew, and my brother-in-law, it was quite exciting. It didn't snow much during the night and so on Saturday, we made the best of little snow that remained on the mountain nearby, which my nephew loved anyway. Throughout the trip, and the walk in the thin snow, I was imagining a similar experience with my own child not too far in the future, and it was such a peaceful thought. I can't wait to meet him or her already. First, at the ultrasound next Monday. Till then, I just need to bring back the patience I thought I learnt during this IF journey.

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