Bad news hasn't stopped appearing for us lately. Firstly, my father-in-law had another stroke, exactly one year after his last one. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as last year, and he is about to be discharged today, after about two weeks in the hospital.

The second blow was when DH was made redundant and given 4 weeks notice. There were a lot of redundancies announced at his work place a month or two ago, and we had breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't make the list. But he was suddenly added last week, and given a notice. It was totally unfair as others got lot more notice than him. But then life is never fair I guess. He is trying to find some internal positions to fill, but it is not likely he will get one in such a short period of time.

We had thought of visiting my in-laws when we heard about the stroke, but that was postponed due to this news at work, especially as my father-in-law is stable thankfully. DH and my sister-in-law will be travelling towards mid Nov to meet them. As I expect my job to restart soon, I think I won't be able to make it this time around.

Even if I did have time to go, I am not sure how our plan for an FET in Nov is going to pan out. Of course this natural cycle was a bust. I didn't expect more, as I was totally careless with what I was eating or drinking or doing or thinking...but one can always dream - maybe the gluten free goodness kicked in, so I was free of my IF and we'd have a sticky one - they always said a few cycles after a miscarriage was super fertile. Well, no such luck, as I already have signs of an impending AF. I was hoping it would appear sooner though, so that we'd have the transfer before DH leaves, but like always, I'll have to settle for the second best, and do it alone.

When nothing goes your way, even the onset of hay fever (that you never had before) saps the energy out you. The resolve to start fresh for the next cycle, with proper diet and exercise and happy thoughts, fades too quickly. For now, I will wait until the hay fever settles, and I can enjoy the perfectly cut lawn once again. I don't know how long I'll have to say it, but I still have to take it one day at a time. Otherwise I will just breakdown in front of everyone like I did two weeks ago :(

Last two weeks were full of celebrations, and lots of food for me. In fact so much that I'd be happy to not see any party food for a while (not happening though, as still more stuff planned next two weeks). Highlight of these weeks was my nephew, who has grown to be the sweetest but the most stubborn 3 year old, and did not stop amusing us with his innocent talk and mischief. I had make cupcakes for his third birthday and used deep cupcake cups made of stiffish paper (not the usual frilly cupcake wrappers). I was overjoyed to see him finish his so quickly, only to find minutes later that he had licked only the icing and thrown the rest into the dustbin saying he's finished! I would have been disappointed had it not been for his sense of accomplishment. Low point of these weeks was watching everyone with their kids and feeling my own emptyness. Trust 'green within' to show it's appearance admist all the fun!  If I was still pregnant, these celebrations would be a totally different experience for me and I couldn't stop wondering how it would have felt.

TTC wise, I did get AF soon after my last post, and had the sonohysterogram last week. All clear. The fibroids I had are not obstructive enough to worry. This is going to be a natural cycle so no high hopes. So I am taking it bit easy on watching my diet and exercising. When I last fell pregnant, I had followed everything I planned to do quite strictly - from diet free of gluten, dairy, caffeine, alcohol, soy etc to regular excercise and lots of prayers and most importantly, belief. I doubt I will have the same ingredients ever again. Instead, I have an ever fluctuating levels in the hope-o-meter and low levels = low resolve for everything else. Only hope for me is if the frozen embiees are lot more resilient. We'll see.

TTC aside, I have talked to my previous boss and literally begged back my job that I walked out of. I need something else to focus on than babies, and what's better than a career? I still have a few weeks before I start, and head back to the crazies behind computer screens and phones at all odd hours, but I am looking forward to it already. I hope I can handle the stress a bit better now after reflecting on my way of working, for so long. I'll need to focus on uping my skills on a few weak areas too. But talking about other things beside IF here, and counting days to something ele is refreshing already for me. Daunting but exciting. Fingers crossed it's the right decision. I have a feeling it is...

At this moment, what I want from life is pretty simple. I just want to move ahead and stop looking back. All I am needing is for my body to cooperate so that I get AF and start thinking about the month ahead, look forward instead of back, rembering my loss. I will never forget my little angel I never got to meet, but I can't keep feeling sorry for the way it turned out. Why is that so hard, is beyond me. Guess because what I really really wanted in life, I never got easily. So it's just my rotten luck, promising never to leave my side.

I am sad thinking that everyone and everything is as usual, no change, except the hole in my heart. A hole I am trying my bestest to fill by giving it time. But the way my bloody body is behaving, it feels like reopening the wound everyday. Because I always had regular cycles, this wait screams abnormality to me, and that  reminds me of the cause every single day. It's not fair at all when I've been trying so hard to brave it. C'mon life, move forward, or in any direction at all, except back...I really could use it..